STRAIGHT FROM MY HEART

The Same Relationship Patern

September 26, 2009

Sometimes we think we have the perfect relationship.

Then all at once it takes a turn.

If you really love someone, that someone loves you back.

How can love you share turn so quickly?

Myself it seems I've lived a lifetime of disappointments.

My life, the way I let things lead me down that certain road.

Feeling not strong enough to take the other.

I feel a relationship should be considered highly upon understanding.

Both partners should love one another enough to sit and talk it through.

If you really love someone why can't you sit and find the solution together?

Why does it always lead to one always barking out demands?

The two B's, number 1, "What's going to be" and number 2, "How it's going to be".

With my life, I've always had that cycle of falling into the same pattern with a relationship.

Each time I find myself thinking, "This is it, the relationship I've always dreamed of."

Then reality brings you back.

You realize this is the same thing you try to run from.

"Your heart belongs and now you feel it's too late."

"Now what to do?"

I sometimes hold my hurt in, talking about it doesn't work anymore.

The more you try to hold it together, the more it falls apart.

We push the hurt deeply talking our way back to the place we both shared couple hours before.

"But why?

Why is the Question, and this is my 4 "Why's"

#1, "Why do we cheapen ourselves to go back instead of going forward?"

#2, "Why can't we realize that our life is much more then this?"

#3, "Why can't we live out our dreams instead of making someone else happy?"

#4, "Why can't we take that stand to live the way that makes us happy?"

Those 4 why's are my minds greatest questions that always go unanswered.

Yet it's the same turn out for most of us.

It's not because we're weak or uneducated.

It has a lot to do with trusting our heart instead of our head.

Trying to keep ourselves in that happy stage we were before.

So there again....."Why?"

Is it because the love we have isn't real enough to work through?

Should we both give up trying and go our separate ways?

It's never a pleasant thought and it's always one we try to avoid.

Who wants to start all over once again?

We find ourselves pushing our feelings although some never care how we feel about it.

Every hurt I seem to endure, the further I feel pushed away.

Myself I don't want to live that kind of life.

I'm never sure what to do in this situation.

Should I go with the terms demanded to me?

Should I belittle myself to another to contain their love?

There is so much inside me I enjoy and love.

When pushed to the breaking point, I'm like others and I cave.

I try my best to continue holding on to yesterday instead of living my heart for tomorrow.

There is so much passion inside that I let die everytime It comes down to this.

I push all my passion, my dreams, and all that makes myself happy to only oblige to hold on to today.

I have a huge heart and you would think it could only be broken so many times by the same person.

Each time it's different with the same look you see in their eye.

Causing us to let them take away anything that matters to us.

"Why do we allow this to happen?"

I don't have an answer for it.

I never did.

I like others, keep taking that same path.

Judging

What I don't understand is how anyone can call themselves Christian when so full of hate.

Seems everytime I hear from someone it's always the same thing. They talk about people from other countries with such despise.

"Don't get me wrong."

I know what happened and was also very upset, so you weren't alone. I can't say every thing's fine even today, but I can say this,"I don't judge anyone of the same race" to me this is not fair. Seems we are right back in the past when blacks were treated so badly. Except now it has turned it's head toward other countries and also the people who have lived in the USA all their lives. They are treated the same with hatred, judgment and misunderstanding.

It seems easier these days to blacklist someone without even knowing that person.

I also think what is going to happen with all the Christians enter heaven and "OH WOW!" God thinks of these people the same as you. Will you ask to be dismissed, or will you finally understand what it means that we are all made from that same God you believe in?

"Perv?"

Sometimes I've found myself out in public and notice someone struggling trying to pick something up.

I walk up to them, ask if they need help. Some turn to me with this look of so much fear.

Dary gets on to me all the time because I walk by anyone saying something thing start talking to them.

These two ladies one day trying to put bags of 50lb bags of soil in the back of their car. I walk fast getting to them after getting out of the Jeep asking if I can help. They quickly say no. I walked back over to Daryl and even he tells me I shouldn't do that because some are going to think I'm a perve. This broke my heart, because I never think of those kind of thoughts from others.

I admitt, I have become blind more these days how strangers will react when approched. Still there are many that say yes to my offer to help them and continue talking with me. It amazes me how far we've become to only go backwards.

Internet Friends

Some say you should stay away from the Internet world, but I have to say I have more close friends I've never met face to face that are closer to me then the friends I've made over the years.

I have a dear lady friend from Egypt whom I adore and I found out yesterday we have the same birthday. She is the first and actually the only contact that converses back and forth with me.

There's good and bad every where, also in all of us. I've done lots of things in my past I wish I could erase, but all of it lead me up to today and I've never been more happier.

I also have a lady friend that I fill closer to then anyone in my life and we haven't met. She seems to always be there when ever I need to turn to someone. She may never know how much she already means to.

So hats off to you Lady in Ohio.

SANDRA

To a mother I feel you were to me.

Every time something happened tragically in my life I may not have shown it, but Sandra I also searched for you. I knew that the way I felt for you, your strength, your kindness, sorry but I can't rule out all your bitchiness. "God knows you have lots of that."

But, I feel I can say that with you I found my strength. maybe I still never let anything from inside come out, but you were there to make it so much easier.

You were the person that helped me through all crises I faced in the past for many years.

You where the first person ever I shared all my innersole with. The only person for a long time I told some of my biggest secrets to. You are the kind of person with the huge heart you have, can make forget the pain I was enduring. Not to mention you were the one who got to read things, days after they happen to me. I recall how shocked you would be because you had seen me all those days and I never let on as anything was wrong.

Now you have the suffer in your life and I live so far away.

I only want to be there as you were for me. so I figured the next best thing to do is send you my home movies. "TALK ABOUT A TRUE FAN!" lmao

I don't think you and I ever had any harsh words between one another. I know you listened as I bitched about others and saw me lovey dovey when around them, but that's how I am. "YOU HAVE TO LIKE ME!" Who cares if I can't stand you, you just have to like me.

I can't explain because I didn't make the rules.

I shouldn't say that because I remember Roxie, "Gee what do you say about us to them?" but of course I couldn't tell you because then you wouldn't like me, and I can't have that. LOL!

"ANYWAY"

I feel so helpless so far away and I never want you to think I've giving up on you, because I know in my heart you never give up on me. Besides, I wouldn't let you even if you wanted.

You know if ever you need "ANYTHING" I'll be there for you.

You've always meant the world to me, even if there where so many things you didn't understand about me but loved me unconditional.

My thoughts, my prayers, and yes I do pray(I'm having a huge "Steel Magnolia" moment aren't I) they all go out to you.

I promised myself I wouldn't bother you with so many emails, etc. So I wait to hear from you daily. Please understand that what's mine is yours and whatever you need I will come forward with it.

ROXIE

The young lady that always talked about me marrying. Even knowing my circumstance with life.

You are such a great person that I'll never forget, besides, "HOW DO I LIVE" if you ever turned your back on me.

You and I have so many found and crazy times at the restaurant. I think and read my memories of those days and I cherish everything I wrote down. That restaurant was more like my home then anywhere. I guess you could tell that by how many times I left, but kept returning. I remember one time you saying to me with your head down that you weren't going to let yourself get to close to me these time. Those words broke my heart because I never let our friendship go. I carried it with me at every moment. Between home life and everything, sometimes it became to much for me.

Inside I was so unraveled, but Roxie one thing you can't say about me is that it showed.

I had to make everyone around me especially you and Sandra laugh, so the energy of laughter i caused for the two of you built the energy of happiness inside my soul. Causing me not to hurt so badly inside.

This alone I thank you for.

There are so many things I could say thank you for but i don't think i can write those in this block. I would have to have a page for each, you, Sandra and our away from home Mom, Jannie. OMG! I can truley see her chasing me to the refridgerater about a customer. I remember one night saying something to you when i was iopened it and sure enough here she came runnin to me. Of course you would bust out laughing. It made me so nervouse at the time but I loved every miniut of those times. To tell you the truth. When I dream sometimes I'm or rather we are all back ther going nuts because it's never the right place. Sometimes we would have tables out in the barn yard. We would all be running trying to find whats ours with this deer in a headlight look with our Jannie on our heals, come to think about it, in my dreams i think we all have a Jannie..

I always wake up with this warm feeling, so at peace with the world.

It always leaves me smileing as if I spent time with all of you once again.

I do love you so dearly.

Oh yea, you talk about if things were different you would marry me.. Girl....well.. i would say you have no idea how insane i really am, but if anyone knows more about me, it should be you.lol. .

That place was a special family place for me and for a couple of hours with you & Sandra, my insides weren't being shredded with fear of jealousy and rage.

What i can't understand is so many years i spent,....Well, I go blank trying to forget.

With us, we could always pick up where we left off. No matter how long apart we had been. We have that special insane bond, you & I.

Myself I could never turn away from those wonderful crazy times

I thought you should know how much you mean to me even though I really can't find the words to express our friendship..

"I love you Roxie Hart, Always.

DEE

Sometimes you think a special relationship you share, you will always have in your life.

People have amazed me by turning away so quickly, but here is the one person I knew would always be in my life forever. Never have I doubted our bond we had between one another.

Over the years I have shown myself I was wrong. Our friendship that meant always, somehow fade without a reason.

Is it better this way?

I don't no.

I do know I waist my time and energy on people, thinking they'll come back into my life as before.

It was very hard to breath for a long time wishing you would call or contact me. This was the one person I believed in so dearly to turn their back on me so fast without explanation.

Do I forgive?

Should I forgive?

Wanting to know why it's "ALWAYS" so easy to turn your back on me?

I feel that you turned the life we had against me with the kids. With this, the most you've broken my heart over. You allowed me to get close to them then jerked them out of my life in the style only you could have done.

Some things that were spoken to me while waiting for you and Jake to come home, (Which you didn't return by the way.) I'll never forget the topic I had to sit and listen to, till I became sick to my stomach and left. I called several times with no luck of reaching. I really feel you knew what you were doing. "WHY" is what I want to know.

I suppose I'll have to wait till that day if ever I get contacted.

"I've really missed you"

CURTIS

The one friend who has always been in and out of my life. I remember at Don's house in Chattanooga you would so up to lay out in the sun with us with your lemon mixture hair spray talking about how you are going to be a beauty designer.. Now 20 something years later you write your book about what it has done to you.. That was too funny. You were the one to insult then leave me to wonder why. I never gave up on our friendship. You have "ALWAYS" meant the world to me, and you always will.

You can say anything you wish about me, but you should know by now how my heart works.” Once a friend, Always a friend."

You & I have wasted many years waiting to see which one will contact the other after you had to speak that mind of yours.

I've always loved that quality of you and wish I was more like you. You were truly my hero. I always thought to myself if I were more like you I wouldn’t let most of the things that were happening to me on for so long. In other words, I wouldn’t have been so damn weak. No one ever had the power to compare to you. I held you so high on a pedestal of friendship that was even out of my league. Sometimes I was even intimidated very much by you. Like I said before, the way you spoke your mind about,…..

Well….

“EVERYTHING!”

I adored being a part of it even if I was mostly the reason for it.

You brought me to life every time you were near. Not knowing what you are going to do or mostly going to say.

Over the years I have collected many videos of us together visiting the girls and other family.

When I watch it, it takes me back to the happiest times during that period of my life.

You were always a good part of me and my girl’s life, and yes they remember you, every time we would pass that creek mountain side on Suck Creek Mountain, where we almost killed ourselves thanks to Danielle having to stand up after I said, "What ever you do stay in the crawling position." Kids, they never listen...lol.. That was scary and very painful as I recall. I remember video taping and taking pictures, but our friend Gerald stole both cameras from me. So we never saw the pictures or the video. I guess someone out there got to see us during that time.

That was the same year my brother Scotty graduated.

Right before he went kid crazy..lol

We had some great times you and I and I’m always grateful you are in my life..

"So Thank You!"

FRIENDSHIP CHANGE

Often I wonder why life turns out the way it does. The people you have loved with all your heart, you never see or hear from anymore. Later you try contacting them thinking you will pick up were you left off but it's not that way with some.

Does this mean we where really not that close of friends to begin with?

I don't think it's the heart that changes.

I think it's the mind of every one. In today's word and the rat race to keep our familys going. We tend to forget some of the values that helped make us through the years. Standing beside one another as family, friends or co-workers. Family is also the friends we've chosen over our life span. I've taken that turn not reaching out to the ones that mean the world to me.

FRIENDSHIP?

There have been many friends I've lost over the years. No,.... not only by death, basically disappearing.

One I've been struggling to find since 1987. His name is Robby Hill. He and I did everything together. Best of friends, until someone caused me to rip him out of my life. I didn't mean to, at that time I seemed to think friendship really was forever. Most weekends I would drive from Dalton, of course permitted by someone at the time. I want to say he lived in Murfreesboro, but not sure anymore. Since the internet, I've changed my search to using it to find him, but have had no luck.

He and I were friends way before the big relationship ever occuered. He use to play around with these 2 bandannas I have and through the years I couldn't part with them because of each time looking at them, it brought to me, him that closer. It has always taken my breath away while thinking of ways to find him, finally locating him after all these years.. Everytime I look at those bandanas I can see Robby dancing around with them while one tied to his pant thigh.

Also when I play the dance song "BORN TO BE ALIVE" we are both right there, feels right everytime. For a small while puts me at ease. I'm not even sure if he is dead or alive. For MANY YEARS" I've tried searching for him. So Robby, "Here's to you."

"I'M VERY SORRY!"

"I REALLY DO MISS YOU BUDDY!"

Dewey G,

I have to say now looking back, our friendship now, you and I started out very crazy. I really was looking for someone to trust and talk to and thought I found that in you. There are still questions that pop into my mind now, of course many years later. You saw me in that hospital bed as you sat and cried. You told me how

unfair someone else was being to me acting as if every thing was normal. You saw through the cracks, things that I didn't want to focus on because I knew the drill but was so afraid of taking that to me which was a huge steep. Yes, if I had a picture of you I would post it. But I have nothing but an address you gave me almost 10 years ago that returns my mail each time I send something. "WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU!" Why does it seem I spend my time looking for the people I love instead of having them in my life. What the heck do I do to yo people..lol

The last time you and I spoke after you moved to S.C. I talked about when things happen to people that you care about. We never find out because we're never contacted.. You told you have thought about that also and you would make sure that it was possible. "What happened my friend?"

I have to say to despite all that you are now and always my friend..

"I LOVE YOU!"

(man I be loving too many guys...lol)

It's just that I really miss you..

October 15, 2009

It's kind of a sad day today.

Yesterday afternoon my neighbor came knocking on our door. She wanted to know if i was driving again yet. I told her yes and asked her why. She explained that she was going to call a cab but would rather pay me to take her somewhere. I told her sure, i would take her but not with pay. Lets face it, so many of my cats live on her back porch and through her pet door, i'm surprised she doesn't charge me.

Anyway, she had come from court and telling them she wanted to go ahead as soon as possible and start serving her 5 days in jail.

The officer hearing her say ASAP suggested she go on back and get started. She relied quickly, "Not now, not today."

she did tell them she would arive tomorrow and she was told to be there at 9:00, and "DO NOT BE LATE." (Why should that scare her, what are they gonna do, put her in jail? Gee's) anyway she asked of course that i be the one to take her. My heart dropped I felt so badly for. She stood there looking up at me waiting for my answer.

I'll never forget as long as i live that look upon her face.

Quickly I responded to her question,

"SURE, I'LL TAKE YOU IF YOU LET ME FILM IT!"

(Hell I know....I'm such a nice guy)...

She started laughing so loud shaking her head ok..

she sees and hears me everyday out in my yard talking with all the cats around the yard, until i hear her caughing smoking her ciggeret outside. Then I speak to her while she becomes the star.

I thought it was so cute to get a laugh out of her,

Eventhough...

I was being "VERY SERIOUS"

I woke up thinking about it and not sure if I need to but, it would be so cool to have that kind of archive.. Daryl refuses to film anything I go through. My 2 hip replacement surgery's, "NO" My nose and sinus surgery, "NO" So I miss out on most of the horrifying experiences of my life..I need my own camera crew.,

A LITTLE ROAD RAGE

Yesterday which was October 17, 2009. Daryl let me drive his work truck because we needed to go to somewhere to get cat food, believe me when I say this, "We are always going after cat food" Anyway that's not the point.

The first time "EVER" in 3 years actually he found out I can drive the truck.

I get behind the wheel all excited, well everything went ok till I crossed over the 3 lane to wait in the media lane in the middle for all the traffic going south. Well while I was looking to my right for a break into traffic that I could pull out. This moron pulls up beside me, blocking my vision. I became possessed with road rage, (Not because I was feeling all butch because I was behind the wheel of a truck, because this happened's in my car also.) anyway.

I watched as the car blocking me begins to pull out well I pull out with, (VERY SLOWLY) blocking all 3 lanes while he tried to get onto one. Needless to say, Daryl started screaming because hey this is a Government truck.

After I sent Daryl into a panic, I straightened the truck into the slow lane letting the others go while I stared when they were passing us. "No one looked my way" Poor Daryl was beneath himself, so I doubt I'll be driving the truck anytime soon..

WHAT?

July 25, 2009

I've always found myself to be so grateful I grew up in the times I did. I mean all these diseases you get now days from your classmates, which I'm sure were around during my time growing. I think maybe it's because we never had anything to share with others. No Gameboy, cell phones, we had nothing except 45's.

Anyway this week I was watching TV and there was a huge Cell Phone Sale for Back-To-School.

"WHY?"

I thank God my kids grew up in different times also.

Not that there's anything wrong with the technology out there today. I'm very grateful for most.

There's such a great deal I don't understand these days. Number one why would your child, the one you hold so dearly to your heart, be so far away from home to need their own Cell Phone.

My neighbors 7 year old was made at her mother because she want get her a cell. She told me everyone else at her school has one.

I find all this amazing to me.

Kathy Blackton

Today October 19, 2009..

I found this in the Dalton Daily Citizen, I found myself looking for a picture of The Cellar Restaurant and there was Kathy.

Kathy and I met "MANY YEARS AGO" when I started working for The Cellar of Dalton. I can't say we became immidate friends because those couple months. well mabey years, lol.. Between all the game playing and talk behind one anothers back, and very easy to get my mouth saying whatever needed to be heard. I thought i knew enough about waiting tables, but boy was i wrong. i didn't know Red Wine wasn't to be chilled, nor about Dollies placed underneath everything taken to the tables. To me it was a "NIGHTMARE" that eventialy I fell in love with.

Over the years Kathy and her family we bonded and became very close. I haven't seen any of them or heard from them since 2006.

I've gone through many procedures over the years that have kept me away from those i love the most. The ones hurting the most are my children. Anyway, back to Kathy, I want to say i hope soon we can chat and bring our family back together. I was thrilled to run across and see her. "So here's to Kathy, Rachel, (and of course my crazy as i am) Stephanie,.... and the grown Grandchildren (I'm sure by now.) I hope all of you are doing fine and I wish you "ALL THE BEST!"

I love you all... JDK

CINDY

I've been trying to locate you but not having any luck. I was sitting here thinking of our relationship.

you are someone when I first met we automatically created a bond. the as the weeks and months go by I found myself realizing you are some kind of Control Freak She-Devil.

"WHAT THE HECK!"

That voice, your mannerisms and the way you treat others around you made me sick to my stomach.

Then one day there it was again, that spark that created our bond to began with. friends once more as I cherished every moment with you and would do "ANYTHING" for. you made me realize how easy it was to step out of my comfort zone and appreciate myself. I was happy to have become friends with you again. Not that I lost it to began with, I just pushed it aside.

Then while working one night I remember why I disliked you in the first place. Your better than God attitude, your hatefulness and most of all once again the way you make everyone around you feel.

We'd argue and tell each other off then live separate lives once again.

Then like before I start missing my loud mouth friend and realized again I do love you.

Once again we are friends. Something to the higher power or what ever that phrase is.

Now just like before there's nothing I wouldn't do for you as long as it's not sexual.

You brought sunshine into my life once again.

You hurt my ears every now and then but that pie hole is a part of you and I love all of you.

So now I've spoke my truth, all that's left is I have to find you somewhere out there.

"WHERE EVER YOU ARE"

I LOVE YOU!

GINA

you came to me and said you've been searching for me for so long. I'm sorry I wasn't the same person that you use to know, but I'm not sorry for telling you the truth. I know I once broke your heart. This is one reason I never chat much. I want you a part of my life but, it only hurts you. My hearts still the same. Nothing has changed, except for the information I blurted out to you. I only did that because like I said before, "I want you a part of my life."

Everyone when finding out who I am, I loose. Which is ok I guess. Friends family I haven't talked with since before you and I even met.

They're always so happy to find me then I suppose the truth is to much. Gina, this is how I've lived almost all my adult life with people turning away from because of who I am, not who I chose to be. Think of that pain you felt when finding out, well that's the pain I've lived with for over 20 years now, only because the lies the hiding and wanting to share my live became to much to comprehend.

I promised myself I'd never let that happen to me again and then there I was posted on Facebook for the world to see and it started all over again.

I don't mean to sound petty, I know you're confused. I only hope you continue being in my life even if it is only emailing. it lets me know you think about me and your out there somewhere and the best part is I can call you friend.

But that choice is yours..

I told you before,.. I love you. None of that has changed in my heart.